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A reader writes:
I’m extraordinarily jealous of my coworker, and I don’t know what to do about it.
My coworker, let’s name her Lacy, and I began in the identical entry-level place across the similar time (Lacy began a number of months earlier than me). We’re comparable in age and, whereas Lacy graduated from a significantly better college than me, had comparable majors.
It was a horrible working setting for a very long time as a consequence of our poisonous supervisor, and Lacy and I bonded loads over surviving. Then, about two years in the past, there was a complete overhaul of our division and our supervisor was changed, together with nearly the entire group aside from the 2 of us.
Since then, Lacy has been promoted twice and makes nearly 50% greater than me, and I … am nonetheless in the identical place. Objectively, I can perceive why this occurred. Lacy may be very expert and calm beneath strain. In the meantime, I wrestle with socializing and actually can’t deal with strain. In actual fact, even after her promotions, Lacy generally helps me with the extra high-stress components of my job.
I do know all this objectively, however I’m so, so jealous of her. When she received her first promotion, I needed to depart the constructing as a result of I used to be starting to cry in entrance of her and our new supervisor. When her second promotion was introduced, I had a panic assault and needed to take a sick day. Generally, I can’t assist however delay duties that Lacy asks me to do as a result of if she’s so nice, certainly she will do it herself (I do know this isn’t the way it works, that is simply how I believe within the second). It’s onerous for me to say thanks when she helps me out as a result of it simply appears like she’s rubbing it in, regardless that I do know she isn’t.
It’s been two years, however I can’t alter. My supervisor has talked to me about it a number of occasions all through the years, and nobody has talked about firing or a PIP, however I’m sick of feeling this manner. I do know that that is on me, however I’m struggling a lot. How can I modify?
Two issues: Change jobs, and remedy.
Change jobs since you’re depressing on this one! You’re evaluating your self to Lacy and having panic assaults over her accomplishments and even doing worse work your self out of resentment, which dangers harming you professionally. It sounds such as you’ve been at this job for quite a few years — and also you’re deeply sad. Why not depart? You don’t want to remain and really feel tortured.
However it’s important to additionally pair that with remedy, as a result of Lacy isn’t going to be the final individual you encounter who triggers these emotions. I suppose it’s attainable that there’s one thing particular to Lacy that’s unlikely to come back up once more — you’re comparable ages and backgrounds, you began on the similar time, you trauma-bonded collectively, and so it appears like no matter she achieves that you simply don’t displays on you — however your response to her success has been intense sufficient that one thing is happening internally that’s not about Lacy and that’s prone to pop up in different methods in your life and make you sad, even after you’re lengthy gone from this job. That’s remedy stuff.
In the meantime, although, when you’re engaged on no matter these points become (and it could be some time, as a result of a whole lot of therapists have ready lists for brand new sufferers proper now and since even when you begin, progress takes time), you actually don’t must preserve making an attempt to energy by way of this.
If it have been straightforward to resolve with logic or psychological reframing, you’d have already executed it.
Give your self the present of adjusting jobs. But in addition give your self the present of committing to delve into (with assist) what led you right here.
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